Delivered to Training - or "Just Rip Out My Heart"

Well, I've successfully delivered my little Beauty back into capable hands. And by this, I mean to say, I've again elicited help for a horsey-dilemma that I am totally incompetent to handle.  All of the "buck blogs" noted earlier were the reason that this was an inevitability. I admit it - I'm not able to handle this and have asked for help.  And this admission has caused me some shame, I admit.  What do I mean, "I'm not capable?" Does that mean that I'm just not willing to put in the time?  Does that mean that I'm not willing to study the problem enough to come up with a solution?  Maybe.  But, I think at the core - it's just plain old fear.  I LOVE my life now. I love the fact that I own 2 amazing horses.  I can now go out anytime I want and bury my face in their necks and smell in that wonderful scent that I longed to smell as a horseless child. This was my dream, and it's now my reality!  But, I'm also practical.  What good is any of this going to do me if I get bucked off (by my 'sweet little Beauty') and break my neck?  Nada, that's what! 

So, yes, again, I've delivered her into the hands of those that are more capable.  Matt, Beauty's handsome cowboy, is unfortunately leaving in a week.  I'm sad to see him go but happy for his new life. He will always hold a very special place in my heart as one who loved my 'sweet little Beauty' as I do.  Beauty is by now out to pasture with the herd, learning her place again.  Last year, Dave said, "She's just above the mules" which meant about #26 in a herd of 28 or so.

This is a good thing, yet, I feel so empty without her!  I know she is going to come home in 2 months being a much better mount for me than she was when I delivered her.  I know she will have her manners back in place, and will have learned how to take off at a canter and not get so upset by it that she wants to remove her rider.  All good things, but I miss her.  I'm sure this will mellow a bit once a week or so has gone by.  Then I'll start looking at my phone and checking e-mail waiting for the update call or message.  Is she safe?  Has she gotten hurt?  Is she having a good time or is she miserable?  (Does she miss me?)

In the meantime, I now have more time to focus on Jeffrey (probably much to his chagrin!).  I've let him get away with murder lately in my distraction with getting Beauty ready to send off.  He has reverted back to his old spooky ways - snorting at leaves blowing on trees, or a errant plastic bag or piece of paper on the ground.  We have much to work on.  My short term goal over the next two months is to practice my canter with Jeffrey. He is more forgiving of my mistakes.  Plus, I figure if I can get the canter nice and smooth on this big gangly guy, with Beauty, it will be easy!

So, here we go! Two months without my Beauty. It will fly by I know.  I will reawaken my cherished relationship with Jeffrey as I anxiously await her return.

Fear: Rational vs. irrational

Fear.  This is a subject that I have been up close and personal with in my life.  I thought it might be interesting (therapeutic!) for me to write down where I am now and how I've been able to overcome some of my issues, as well as where I hope to be someday.  My issues deal with my personal life - personal experiences - horse wise and otherwise. I won't talk about all of them, but will share some of the more recent events.

Fear.  For me, it's the factor that keeps me from doing or being what I may see myself doing or being.  I'd love to be able to whitewater rafting. When a friend asked me last week via e-mail if I'd like to join her on a trip this summer - a level 4 whitewater rafting trip - I didn't even respond. It's not even in my imagination to consider.  Today, my co-worker told me how her and her husband are going to paintball parks and having a ball.  "I just want to explore fun things, like parachute from an airplane!"  Again, nothing I'd ever consider in a million years of options (the parachuting - I love paintballing!).

Fear cripples you on a more personal level too.  My son was diagnosed with hydrocephalus due to a very large brain cyst 3 years ago and has undergone 8 brain surgeries - 5 of which were emergency, to save his life.  The fear that my family has survived in helping him through this over the last 3 years has been incomprehensible.  Even now, when I think back to that first night in the emergency room when he came out from under the CT scan, while waiting for the ambulance to take him to Redwood City for neurosurgery, my mind gets two or three thoughts in and then the door slams shut and I stop remembering. It's a delayed reaction to the fear.  It's crippling.  I see this as a rational fear. It has substance and a basis for being there. I can work on diminishing it, but I haven't figured out how to get rid of it - it's always there.

When I first bought Jeffrey 6 years ago, I was so green that I didn't even think of horses being a danger; anything to fear.  All I remembered was my carefree childhood where we would hop on bareback and gallop off into the sunset - yes, we really did that!  Jeffrey had obviously been abused (now I see that, didn't then), and when he would pick up his back leg and aim it at me in a mock-kick, I thought he was just picky and didn't want me to touch him there.  I didn't realize what he could do to me with that strong leg.  Beauty showed me last year!  Gradually, after one near catastrophe after another, I understood that being around horses was going to involve some level of fear.  I also see these fears as rational fears.  I have had enough minor horse accidents to maintain a sane level of concern (fear) about the horse activities I partake in.  But, it's a level of concern I'm willing to handle. I'm not willing to let fear make me give up my passion.  This level of rational fear has led me to pursue my natural horsemanship training.  I love learning everything possible about horses, horse behavior, proper tack, proper seat, on and on.  The fear has created a drive in me that has resulted in my becoming a fairly confident and competent horsewoman (looooong way to go though!), thanks to the program designed by Pat and Linda Parelli!!!  Savvy has overcome rational fear and has turned it into knowledge and strength.

And it's a good thing!  I'm one of those people who doesn't need much assistance in creating a fearful situation in my imagination. Over the years, I've allowed myself to be fed others fears by hanging around the wrong types of horsey people.  Maybe good horse people, just not a good match for me.  I have enough fear on my own behalf without exposing myself to their fears on a daily basis!  I'm one of those people who can see 10 catastrophes in any given situation.  Say I'm trotting up a lovely trail on a sunny afternoon.  Beauty (or Jeffrey) is in a great mood, no spooking, just enjoying our time on the trail.  But, inside, my mind is working overtime creating things to be afraid of.  Will she slip and fall down the hill (even though we're easily 5 feet from the edge of the trail, and the hill isn't that steep anyway)?  If she does, will she squish me like a bug as my foot gets stuck in the stirrup?  Oh, foot stuck in the stirrup - what if I just fall off and get drug for hundreds of miles (even though I'm riding in a saddle w/breakaway stirrups and I'm only across the street from my barn)?  Will an inconsiderate bicyclist come charging up behind us and spook her into leaping for safety over the edge of the trail? Will a squirrel run out in front of us and spook her (even though this has happened and she DID NOT spook), causing her to careen off the trail and fling herself and me down the hill. Will she step in a hole that she doesn't see and break her leg? I make myself sick....the list just goes on and on.  When riding anywhere near barbed wire, the imagination goes wild.  When riding on steep single track trails - OMG I could write a book about the scary thoughts running rampant in my mind.  I see these fears as irrational fears.  Being able to tell the difference points you in the direction of being able to do something about them.  I'm working on slowing the non-stop dialogue in my head that keeps fear alive for me.  Here also is where the Parelli program of natural horsemanship has put me leaps and bounds ahead of where I otherwise would have been on my own.  What are we afraid of - usually something that we don't understand.  How do you increase understanding?  By breaking it down and studying the parts.  That is what Parelli has helped me to do.  Do you have a hot, snorty horse that pushes into your space and causes you fear (and possibly bodily injury!)?  The Parelli program teaches you how to break this situation down and learn to manage it properly.  What to do, when to do it and why to do it, and how firmly or softly.  Just amazing.

For now, fear is still something I live with on a daily basis.  But, I'm working on it.  The rational fears are there, kept at bay by my faith, and the irrational fears are slowly disappearing.  Whew!!!

Riding through the buck, part 3

Sunday afternoon.  Had lunch w/my horsey friends and made our way to the arena w/our horses. My old guy was out to pasture playing with his buddy Luke and Beauty was whinnying for attention.  We all started out either on-line or at liberty, working on our specific issues.  Beauy was on her 45ft line and we worked on circles, transitions in the circle game, change of direction and yoyo. She was so connected that I dropped the line and  continued play. All was well.  More liberty circles and change of direction (w/other horses/owners in the same arena mind you!!!!).  I thought  I'd try our squeeze game and made the mistake of squeezing too close to the wall - pipe paneling.  She would send thru - but after the turn and face when I asked her to come back thru, she would swerve off in the opposite direction, telling me my squeeze was too tight. Of course, it took me 3 tries at liberty with her turning her butt to me before what she was telling me registered!  Anyway - as usual, we went back on line, I stepped back several feet, and she got her confidence back - did the squeeze flawlessly.

We all tacked up (except for Kimberly where tacking up means tying her savvy string around Rosie's neck - heavy sigh on my part for wanting to be there!)  Beauty and I worked on ride the rail at a walk. I was trying out Kimberly's endurance trail saddle which is a combo of an Aussie and English saddle. Very cool. It's a wide tree (Rosie, bless her heart is a porker) and seems to fit Beauty well. I had decided for my lesson w/Dave, I'd like to try it rather than my synthetic western saddle that I've been using.  After a few adjustments to stirrup length, we were off and trotting.  Beauty was connected to my requests - changing gait at request, direction at request - going over obstacles, with her happy, willing personality.  I set her up for the canter, going down the long stretch, then sat back and started cantering in my body.  Good girl - she gave me about 5-6 nice canter strides - then the shit hit the fan.  We were approaching the turn, about 20 feet from the corner of the arena and she went into a big bucking fit.  About 3 bucks put me out of the saddle and onto her neck  about 10 feet from the wall (pipe paneling) - and still at a fast pace, more like trot than canter.  From her neck, I quickly went through my options:  1) careen into the paneling and break my neck and hers; 2) jump off over her head and land like an acrobat on my feet in front of her before hitting the paneling (yeah, right); and luckily chose option 3) - get your butt back in that saddle - NOW!  I heaved backwards, landed soundly in the saddle, lifted my inside rein and made the turn, before coming to a weak and shaky halt.  I let out a huge "Whew! I'm alive!" and started to laugh.  Kimberly let out a sigh too and joined in the laugh.  Flo said, "Crap - I missed it, what happened?"  I declared that I was done for the day, and dismounted.  "You can't stop on that note!" - Kimberly.  "I know, but I also can't do that again. I'm throwing in the towel for the day."  me.

So, we switched horses and Kimberly got on the devil (I mean my sweet little Beauty) and I got to get my confidence back on sweet Rosie.  Beaut & Kimberly made a few laps around at a trot, and stood and calmed down for a while to end on a good note.  And I - I got to get all the confidence back that I thougth was gone for good.  I was bareback on Rosie with only a halter.  We gaited around - following the rail, around obstacles, over jumps (little ones), over cavelleti, in and out of barrels and cones.  Kimberly called out - try the canter - you are almost there and you don't even realise it!  Sure enough, I did the exact same set up that I had tried with Beauty - asked for a nice fast (gait, not trot), then sat back and started cantering in my body - and off she went!  Wow - my childhood flashed before my eyes and I was a kid again, cantering through the woods with my friend Anne on our horses, playing hide & seek and cowboys and Indians!  What a feeling. Rosie and I were one - my butt part of her back! Unbelievable.  what I had just failed at so miserably on a saddle with Beauty - was happening, and so sweet with Rosie. I'm still on cloud 9!  It helped me to realise that my mechanics are right - it's just the presentation that is off.  I'm really "green on green" trying to canter this lovely, lively little girl.  We just have to get our cues figured out. Beauty is as light and sensitive as Rosie is, but with much more movement in all that she does. We just need to get it figured out.

And I'm soooo happy to have friends that now allow me to step outside of my comfort zone and make these leaps in learning.  I'm no longer just "walking down the lane" - I'm challenging myself, and getting more physically and mentally fit with each day.  And #1 on Matt's list when I get Beauty back to Porterville will be to get the transitions from trot to canter smoothed out!  I plan on a few lessons while she is down there so they can help me with my body mechanics.  I remember thinking a couple years ago - I can't wait until I can sit on Beauty's back.  I'm now riding her out on the trail, jeeping up and down hills, trotting and cantering all over - feeling like a kid.  It will just be a matter of time before we're cantering with confidence in the arena too.  I love this Parelli program.  We're taking the time it takes and stepping out of our comfort zone to increase learning.  Whew - Can't wait for the weekend!

Riding through the buck, Part 2

We started out on our ride today and before she had taken 3 steps into the park, she crow hopped. It was a little one, just as if to say, "tighten  your belt lady, we're going to have a ride today." After a few head tosses, I decided to eliminate any tack problems. I've been riding lately more in the halter than bit, but we had decided to put the bit in today just because.  After the crow hop, about 20 minutes into the ride, we stopped and I traded equipment with Kimberly's mare, Rosie, and put the halter on Beauty - bit on Rosie. Even though we had been walking, mostly on the trail at this point, Beauty was already sweated out. It felt more like emotional sweat to me, she just wasn't feeling right. She still has her wolf teeth - they are tiny little things, and her vet and Dave Ellis have both said she wouldn't have to worry about the bit hurting. But to be safe, before she goes back to training, she's getting a float - this coming week - and they will pull the wolf teeth.  One less thing for me to stress about! 

So, off we went again, doing a few jaunts up hills, down gullies. She had calmed down quite a bit with the removal of the bit.  The bucks were more like crow hops, coming now and again, mostly when she was being her typical left brained self - wanting to do what she wanted, not what I was asking.  I decided to give her a job and began working on leg yields and half passes, and she seemed to calm into the work.  From there on, she was pretty compliant with my requests - but as kimberly pointed out later - she always tests me - just a little. When I don't pick up on it and shut it down, then her snotty face comes out and she tests more.  It's so interesting - she is such a great trail horse, but you really need to ride her the whole way! No putting her on auto pilot. Just before the halfway point where we water them, I had asked her to drop down a little slope about 6 feet, but a pretty steep slant, and the little turd threw a big buck! It was a close one, and I'm sure I'll have a saddle horn bruise on my legs to prove it. It was her last snotty however, and she was great the rest of the ride. 

She needs a firm leader - a fair leader, but firm.  I'm not always so firm - sort of wishy-washy really.  When kimberly rides her, at the very first sign of the snotty face coming out, she circles her to a stop - and continues this until Beauty goes, "fine, be that way!" and does what she's asked.  And she REALLY likes to get off the trail and really ride!  She enjoys jeeping up and down hills, exploring, looking at things that show up, and you can see it in her pictures. She's really a fun trail horse. My poor Jeffrey always seems like he'd rather be anywhere but on the trail.

Anyway - tomorrow we're back in the arena and will be working on our canter.  I'm hoping to have a buck-free day and will ask Kimberly to take over if things seem to be getting out of hand.  Oh to be young and fit, and such a confident horsewoman like her! I'm so very fortunate to have such good, solid friends to share this journey with. Makes it all worth while!

Riding through the buck

In an effort to be fair to myself and document the bad with the good, I thought I'd make a few notes about last night.  What keeps pushing to the top of the constant on-going monologue in my head, what I keep mulling over, were our transitions from trot to canter in the covered arena.  Beauty and I.  When I began riding her earnestly last year in the arena, she would buck, or crow hop, at the walk trot transition. We've got that worked out now after months of trail riding and lots of trotting.  She is pretty coordinated for a young gal and seems to be able to support and balance herself well while carrying my weight.  So, now our issue is the trot to canter transition and the bucking that she seems to want to do at the beginning.

When we begin, I like to warm her up a bit with a few games on-line on the 45 ft. line.  We do the falling leaf pattern, change of directions, and work on our circles at several different speeds.  Sometimes, she will buck with the saddle on when I ask for the upward transition to canter.  She gives one or two good bucks, then settles into the canter.  Then I mount and ride her for a while, playing with obstacles, or practicing riding the rail in the 1st track with minimal direction from myself.  As we slowly warm up and get into a nice trotting pattern, she is still calm, doing everything nicely, with minimal sassyness like little head tosses.  But, when I move into the canter and put my weight back, she more often than not springs into a series of bucks.  Some last night were not more than crow hops, but one series almost unseated me.  She popped me out of the saddle and onto her neck before I bounced back into my seat.  She doesn't carry on with it much, and I know if I were more agile and able to do the one-rein up to a stop, I could probably get her to quit before it even gets started.  But, I'm still finding myself floundering around on top of her, not able to nip it in the bud quickly enough.  Oh well, I know that with most things, practice will fix this.  After all, it's green trying to teach green.  And believe me, it's going to be top on my list of things to work on when I take her down to Dave Ellis' later this month!  Ride, Matt, Ride - Ride with the wind! (Canter her little butt off and get this stupid bucking bullcrap over and done with!)

So, the goal of this post is to be able to look back at it in several months and say to myself, "Oh, yeah - I remember when she used to have that problem!"  Of course, in this mental picture, we have been cantering off into the sunset everynight, and the little crow hops and bucks are a bad, fading memory.