Fear. This is a subject that I have been up close and personal with in my life. I thought it might be interesting (therapeutic!) for me to write down where I am now and how I've been able to overcome some of my issues, as well as where I hope to be someday. My issues deal with my personal life - personal experiences - horse wise and otherwise. I won't talk about all of them, but will share some of the more recent events.
Fear. For me, it's the factor that keeps me from doing or being what I may see myself doing or being. I'd love to be able to whitewater rafting. When a friend asked me last week via e-mail if I'd like to join her on a trip this summer - a level 4 whitewater rafting trip - I didn't even respond. It's not even in my imagination to consider. Today, my co-worker told me how her and her husband are going to paintball parks and having a ball. "I just want to explore fun things, like parachute from an airplane!" Again, nothing I'd ever consider in a million years of options (the parachuting - I love paintballing!).
Fear cripples you on a more personal level too. My son was diagnosed with hydrocephalus due to a very large brain cyst 3 years ago and has undergone 8 brain surgeries - 5 of which were emergency, to save his life. The fear that my family has survived in helping him through this over the last 3 years has been incomprehensible. Even now, when I think back to that first night in the emergency room when he came out from under the CT scan, while waiting for the ambulance to take him to Redwood City for neurosurgery, my mind gets two or three thoughts in and then the door slams shut and I stop remembering. It's a delayed reaction to the fear. It's crippling. I see this as a rational fear. It has substance and a basis for being there. I can work on diminishing it, but I haven't figured out how to get rid of it - it's always there.
When I first bought Jeffrey 6 years ago, I was so green that I didn't even think of horses being a danger; anything to fear. All I remembered was my carefree childhood where we would hop on bareback and gallop off into the sunset - yes, we really did that! Jeffrey had obviously been abused (now I see that, didn't then), and when he would pick up his back leg and aim it at me in a mock-kick, I thought he was just picky and didn't want me to touch him there. I didn't realize what he could do to me with that strong leg. Beauty showed me last year! Gradually, after one near catastrophe after another, I understood that being around horses was going to involve some level of fear. I also see these fears as rational fears. I have had enough minor horse accidents to maintain a sane level of concern (fear) about the horse activities I partake in. But, it's a level of concern I'm willing to handle. I'm not willing to let fear make me give up my passion. This level of rational fear has led me to pursue my natural horsemanship training. I love learning everything possible about horses, horse behavior, proper tack, proper seat, on and on. The fear has created a drive in me that has resulted in my becoming a fairly confident and competent horsewoman (looooong way to go though!), thanks to the program designed by Pat and Linda Parelli!!! Savvy has overcome rational fear and has turned it into knowledge and strength.
And it's a good thing! I'm one of those people who doesn't need much assistance in creating a fearful situation in my imagination. Over the years, I've allowed myself to be fed others fears by hanging around the wrong types of horsey people. Maybe good horse people, just not a good match for me. I have enough fear on my own behalf without exposing myself to their fears on a daily basis! I'm one of those people who can see 10 catastrophes in any given situation. Say I'm trotting up a lovely trail on a sunny afternoon. Beauty (or Jeffrey) is in a great mood, no spooking, just enjoying our time on the trail. But, inside, my mind is working overtime creating things to be afraid of. Will she slip and fall down the hill (even though we're easily 5 feet from the edge of the trail, and the hill isn't that steep anyway)? If she does, will she squish me like a bug as my foot gets stuck in the stirrup? Oh, foot stuck in the stirrup - what if I just fall off and get drug for hundreds of miles (even though I'm riding in a saddle w/breakaway stirrups and I'm only across the street from my barn)? Will an inconsiderate bicyclist come charging up behind us and spook her into leaping for safety over the edge of the trail? Will a squirrel run out in front of us and spook her (even though this has happened and she DID NOT spook), causing her to careen off the trail and fling herself and me down the hill. Will she step in a hole that she doesn't see and break her leg? I make myself sick....the list just goes on and on. When riding anywhere near barbed wire, the imagination goes wild. When riding on steep single track trails - OMG I could write a book about the scary thoughts running rampant in my mind. I see these fears as irrational fears. Being able to tell the difference points you in the direction of being able to do something about them. I'm working on slowing the non-stop dialogue in my head that keeps fear alive for me. Here also is where the Parelli program of natural horsemanship has put me leaps and bounds ahead of where I otherwise would have been on my own. What are we afraid of - usually something that we don't understand. How do you increase understanding? By breaking it down and studying the parts. That is what Parelli has helped me to do. Do you have a hot, snorty horse that pushes into your space and causes you fear (and possibly bodily injury!)? The Parelli program teaches you how to break this situation down and learn to manage it properly. What to do, when to do it and why to do it, and how firmly or softly. Just amazing.
For now, fear is still something I live with on a daily basis. But, I'm working on it. The rational fears are there, kept at bay by my faith, and the irrational fears are slowly disappearing. Whew!!!
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